Parents’ Evolution for International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia, and Transphobia

Musician Debbie-Marie Brown, also known as DMB, with family.

Amidst the applause, transmasc* musician DMB or Debbie-Marie Brown, whose pronouns are they/them, takes a bow and exits the performance stage with their band, closing the night of a five-band show that Debbie put together for Chicago’s LGBTQ+ community. Debbie walks over to their parents, who both performed as special guests in the show, and after years of struggling with phobia against the queer community, are immersed in a LGBTQ+ space for the first time.

“Debbie, I got so emotional seeing the love of your community and the love you have for people that I never want to be a part of the problem. I refuse to,” Debbie’s mother Briggitte Brown said to her child. “I don't want to be one of those ignorant people that contributes to that. God moves through all of us in all our situations.”

Debbie, who considered themselves as their parents’ teacher of LGBTQ+ issues after years of challenging their parents’ homophobia, believes their acceptance has changed everything. Around twenty percent of Gen Z identifies as LGBTQ+, and like Debbie, many struggle with familial acceptance. 

The International Day Against Transphobia, Biphobia, and Homophobia (IDAHOBIT) is observed annually on May 17th to raise awareness about discrimination and violence experienced by the LGBTQ+ community worldwide. This IDAHOBIT, we’re focusing on how familial acceptance can have a tremendous positive impact. 

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The Journey to Acceptance

When Debbie was 15 years old, they knew they were queer, but felt torn between their sexuality and their spirituality. At school, they felt free to be themselves, but at home, they hid their identity from their parents, who are both pastors. Debbie remembers they were openly homophobic, and often fought with them.

“I have this vivid memory of being on stage in youth group with my guitar, and thinking, I know that God loves me a lot. I also know that being gay is wrong,” Debbie said. “I read a book about a gay person and thought she didn't seem that evil to me. I brought it up to my parents, and their first response was “What, are you gay?” I wanted to learn so much about the world and my parents weren't willing to engage with me.”

In college, Debbie dated their first long-term girlfriend. Surprised by the acceptance of extended family members, Debbie felt they could be more open at home and began teaching their parents about identity and language. 

After years of family conflict and discussions, Debbie’s parents accepted their sexuality. In 2021, Debbie realized they were transgender with no intention of telling their parents. However, when their parents came to Debbie’s show, they told Debbie they already knew and accepted their identity.

“Love has driven my journey to acceptance. It derives from the fact that my kids are their own individual people and my perspective may not be what they take on when they grow up,” Briggitte said. “My role in their lives is to respect their choices and hold space for them to choose, what they believe is good for them and love them just as they are. I learned I could only guide them to a point, and then I had to trust the process. I had to detach myself from personalizing how my kids chose to live their lives and accept their choices.”

Debbie encourages parents with queer children to engage with resources and be open to listening to their children speak about their identity. 

“Pretend that you don't know what you think you know about queerness. Suspend your disbelief for one hour, and let your kid talk,” Debbie said. “Your kids know a lot. We are on the internet and we have to explore this identity on our own. Trust them as a keeper of knowledge of themselves, instead of you.”

*transmasc or transmasculine is an umbrella term that refers to people who were assigned female at birth but identify with masculinity.